“WANT TO FIND YOUR SCHEDULE? FUCK YOU AND EAT SHIT AND DICK ASSHOLE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

BINGHAMTON, NY – Ahh, the beginning of a new semester at Binghamton University. Unfortunately, you all know what it’s like. Going to events (ugh), meeting new people (yikes!), and, of course, becoming acquainted with your new schedule of classes. Well, you should be getting to know your schedule, but it’s a little tough these days. As a top university, wouldn’t you think that Binghamton prides itself on accessibility and user interface when it comes to their academic portal, which is such an integral part of their operation? If you do, then you, my dear reader, are INCORRECT.

BU Brain makes it IMPOSSIBLE to find your class schedule. When you log in (which you are forced to do every single time, but that’s a rant for another day) and click on the “Student” tab, you see an option called “View My Class Schedule.” You exclaim to yourself, “Eureka!” because you are quite an intelligent person. You got into Binghamton, after all. You can read the words “View My Class Schedule” and interpret that when you click on those words, you will, in fact, be able to view your class schedule. However, much to your probable dismay, you are instead greeted by these words: “WANT TO FIND YOUR SCHEDULE? FUCK YOU AND EAT SHIT AND DICK ASSHOLE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. WE PUT THAT SHIT UNDER COLLEGE SCHEDULER, EVEN THOUGH YOU WOULD THINK YOU ONLY USE IT FOR, YOU KNOW, SCHEDULING. YOU’RE ALSO GONNA FORGET EVERY TIME YOU GO TO LOOK. DUMBASS.”

Stew Dent, an undecided junior, had this to say: “Man, fuck Binghamton. Always acting like they know what’s best for you, but look at me now! […] They failed me.” Meanwhile, we interviewed Reggie Stration and Ed Vising, two designers of the website, to see if they had any words of wisdom or promise of remedy, but Vising just had this to say: “Yeah, we kinda fucked that up in hindsight, but I really don’t care enough to do anything about it.” Stration added that, “The students can help each other out. That’s what college is all about, ain’t it? Makin’ friends or some shit.” There is a lesson to be learned here: If you complain about trying to find your schedule on BU Brain, you clearly aren’t social enough. Touch grass, idiot.