While many on campus are aware of the secret vaults full of cursed artifacts located beneath Bartle Library, few know the details of the many fascinating items kept within said vaulted halls. In conjunction with the university’s archaeology department (which due to a tragic lack of funding consists solely of a single professor, two undergrads and a Harrison Ford body pillow), the intrepid reporters of the BUTT have cataloged and ranked, from worst to best, the 10 most interesting relics stored on campus:
Suit of armor allegedly belonging to Binghamton’s founder, John Bing
Legend has it that during the SUNY wars of old, as John Bing languished in his tent in a depressive state, his lover Joe Hampton took up his armor and in it rallied their forces into a triumphant charge, but was slain in the process by the enemy champion. John Bing was thrown into a murderous rage in which he slaughtered the enemy forces before dying of an arrow to the heel; it’s said that Binghamton University was made as a tribute to their love. Tragic and touching, but also boring english major shit, so it goes at the bottom of the list.
Bloodstained stone altar
It’s said that the university president is sacrificed to dark gods upon this altar any year that Binghamton’s Princeton Review rating drops.
Bloody skull that tells you how you’ll die when you scratch it behind its ear
We got “slip in the tub”, “autoerotic asphyxiation gone wrong”, “old age”, “surprise crocodile”, “capitalism”, and “your own hubris”.
A magical spell inscribed on human flesh labeled as “Scroll of Enormous Girth”
As of yet no one has tested this out to see what it actually does, and quite frankly, no one really wants to.
The Shroud of Turin
We were just as surprised as you are.
An abandoned cloning facility
Surrounding this facility were the corpses of 17 Baxter the Bearcats, each wearing a jersey labeled B1 through B17. The implications of this discovery are, as you’ve no doubt already ascertained, staggering.
A microwave burrito that in retrospect I probably should not have eaten
But what’s the worst that can happen, really?
[edit: Shortly after the publication of this article the author suffered a sudden and violent death as a result of an alien xenomorph bursting from his chest. The alien’s whereabouts are unknown. Flowers and condolences can be sent to the BUTT’s main office.]
Cryo-stasis pods containing Binghamton’s football team
Truly fascinating.
The Blade of Torment, a sentient sword that’s “actually a really great guy once you get to know him”
This statement comes courtesy of the sword’s friends and caretakers, every frat guy ever. While I, for one, do appreciate its incredibly phallic blade design, I would be perhaps more inclined to believe it if it weren’t surrounded by the corpses of children.
A massive amount of human blood
As in, vats and vats of the stuff. An absolutely staggering amount, to the point where I honestly begin to question the logistics of actually getting that much blood. There’s a very off-color joke I could make about this much blood, but as a polite, civilized person, I would never make that joke, period.
Honorable mentions:
A bottle containing a miniature version of College in the Woods, Kandor-style
An android duplicate of the Spine Preacher
A truly staggering amount of pornography
A really big bird… like, a really big one
A list of all of the corpses hidden in the nature preserve and their locations
250 kroot hounds
Certainly not 12 jars of horse semen which I then certainly did not do shots of
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