As a servant of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, I am duty-bound to inform the public of things that I believe to be against His doctrine. Amongst these treacheries is the printing press. A sure incarnation of the devil. Though you may fleer at my position on this account, rest assured by the time you finish reading what I have said, you will regret ever having picked up this accused newspaper.
For starters, the most recent edition of this periodical featured a disgustingly indulgent piece on the uses of milk. Whilst milk itself is not against Christ’s teachings, the actions detailed in this work were nothing short of deranged heterodoxy. I myself was extremely t̶u̶r̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶n̶ repulsed and the mere thought of this kind of heresy being widespread due to mass production makes me feel as though I need to do forty confessions.
In slightly less recent events, but just as important to the future of mankind, Martin Luther, a man who knows naught but heresy, has created another sect of Catholicism, an act so vile that I fear we may never recover as a society. Had he been forced to hand-write his ninety-five theses numerous times, perhaps he would have second-guessed his betrayal. I do hope that upon reading this, you will burn this paper and the society we have formed, to worship such things as mass-produced paper goods that are readily available to laymen. Reconsider your actions, maintain your faith in the Lord, and above all, down with the printing press!
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