BINGHAMTON, NY — Lee Keybaum, a Binghamton junior with his whole life ahead of him, is facing threats of expulsion after his alleged self-plagiarism and academic dishonesty. It was discovered that the paper Keybaum turned in for his Shakespeare course was a word-for-word copy of another paper he turned in the previous semester for British Literature I. Both professors were shocked and appalled at the student’s laziness, considering each of their syllabi use identical language to outline the penalties that come with plagiarism.
“But I asked myself for permission to resubmit my paper,” pleaded Keybaum to the Academic Honesty Committee. “I told myself it was chill.”
“We take plagiarism very seriously,” a committee member scolded Lee during his hearing.
Another committee member weighed in, echoing previous sentiment: “We take plagiarism very seriously.”
“It’s in my own words, though,” countered Keybaum. “They’re good words, too. I mean what was I supposed to do, not reuse them? I write words very goodly. I’m an English major.”
Sources were able to confirm that the paper Lee Keybaum plagiarized from had received only twenty out of one-hundred percentage points. Evidently, the Committee is considering granting Keybaum permission to flunk out of Binghamton University on his own accord.
At press time, the Associate Dean of Harpur College was spotted copying-and-pasting a letter of expulsion previously sent out to another student while changing the name to Lee Keybaum, rubbing his hands together and cackling. When asked what he was doing, the smiling Associate Dean simply responded: “It’s a good thing that Associate Deans don’t have to worry about TurnItIn.”
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