As tensions continue to rise regarding the looming Russia-Ukraine conflict, a brief appearance by the infamous scientist Rick Sanchez and his accomplice Morty Smith at the UN security council this Monday has made their refusal to improve the situation, despite having the tools to do so, apparent. The pair promised they “would not do one fucking thing” about the crisis before vanishing into the portal that had just appeared in the council floor. A few seconds after their disappearance, the pair returned to briefly flip off the UN representatives present, and then vanished into the portal once again.
Our most recent sources say that Mr. Sanchez is currently in talks with Vladimir Putin on acquiring more weapons grade plutonium after the US’s recent sanctions on the Sanchez family’s overconsumption. Some speculate that Rick is considering helping Russia, but as a proud draft dodger Rick claims to be a pacifist on any issue that doesn’t directly affect his own interests. Many call him the Switzerland of mad scientists, since his political stance maintains radical neutrality and everything he builds can be quickly destroyed at only his will.
Several Sanchez family members have chosen to speak out on the intense political situation. “All this Rick has got me mortified, ” says Jerry Smith. “Who knows what that asshole might be up to. All I can say for sure is that his involvement in this will make things worse for all parties involved.” In an interview, we asked Jerry whether or not he considers himself healthy enough to be drafted. While he insisted he was, his distressed mental state after being constantly subject to extreme trauma after being dragged along on Rick’s intergalactic exploits leads us to consider otherwise. Summer sent us a lengthy email on her understanding of the history of the USSR which she thought only fell because an internal disagreement led to a space laser mishap. Beth showed a better grasp on the gravity of the increase in Russian troops on the Ukrainian border, saying that her father could prevent a Franz Ferdinand situation from sparking WWIII if he gave even half a fuck about someone other than himself.
As for his partner, Morty was spotted in the Pentagon this Tuesday having a vile of green liquid removed from his anal cavity, which he claims he “does not even know how it got there.” After the CIA confirmed from his laptop surveillance footage that he is a kinky little teenager, he was shamefully escorted home.
Morty has apparently tried convincing Rick that preventing a world war would be a fun “adventure,” but Rick refuses to change his belief that this earth is probably a less important one in the universe if we still haven’t learned from our first two global death fights. If the US reduces sanctions against the Sanchez family, many believe his allegiances will increase just enough to ensure that he will protect his home country. Hopefully we won’t have to find out if Rick is bluffing on neutrality.
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