BINGHAMTON, NY – There are a lot of companies and organizations who come
waltzing into Binghamton University with the objective of pushing their agendas onto the
unwitting students. However, one such organization has had their plan in the works for
much longer than normal, and it is no coincidence that they have ulterior motives. In
fact, their goal is to have aliens perform extrajudicial experiments on humans to gather
data on their physical, mental, and emotional behaviors. “But who?” you ask. “What kind
of organization is so underhanded that they would ask extraterrestrial beings for
assistance with such a cruel undertaking and with keeping the whole operation safe
from governmental jurisdiction?” Well, my friend, that organization is one PETA.
A few days ago, the PETA-mobile arrived on campus sporting a virtual reality simulation;
this simulation depicts humans undergoing experiments that are commonly performed
on monkeys. Some may be hesitant to try it, but we here at the BUTT fear nothing
except the ticking bomb that is the passage of time. Before strapping the device to your
head and sitting you down in the chair, the worker explains that you may return from the
“matrix” if the simulation is too loud, soft, or disturbing. While this puts up the guise that
PETA is simply looking out for your well-being, DO NOT be fooled. This interaction
allows PETA to record the number and percentage of humans that would try to escape
from the experiments and the triggers that would provoke them to do so. The use of the
term “matrix” also proves that they associate with Andrew Tate, which is another
common speculation.
While your experience seems to end when you exit the PETA-mobile, that may not be
the case. Reese Urcher, Binghamton alum and PETA employee, told us some very
important information about this situation: “The aliens are on campus as we speak.
They live in Oneida so that they can blend in. [President] Stenger had them build a
secret Science 6, and that’s where they’re going to do their experiments. They’re only
picking students who don’t show fear or empathy during the simulation. It’s so that
they’ll have more cooperative test subjects.” When probed about the accusation in a
private interview, Binghamton University President Jerry Stenger only had this to say:
“Aliens? What aliens? Oh, those aliens. They’re nice… I mean, uhh, I would think they
were nice if I got to meet them, which I did… didn’t! Didn’t! Oh…”
More information about these aliens, their experiments, and their relationship with PETA
and the university is currently unknown. In the meantime, if you’ve sat through the
simulation in its entirety without any complaints, may God have mercy on your soul.
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