Koopas (aka Koopa Troopas) are turtle-like, anthropomorphic he/theys who exist in the Mario Universe. But that’s not important. What is important is how much they piss me off. Some days I’m just walking down my quaint, predetermined path, collecting coins as I do, and these… these affronts to god and nature just come along for the sole purpose of ruining my day. They smell bad, look worse, and have always wanted to hurt me (even before I began jumping on their heads to turn them into lowly shells, and kicking them down some crevice or gap in the earth’s crust). With a name that literally means “foot-soldiers of Bowser,” their mindless complacency in war represents everything I stand against. I know I’m not alone in my unadulterated hatred, as everyone I talk to feels the same way—so I put together a handy list of the top five slurs you can use against them upon meeting one—which I genuinely hope you never do.
5. Bowser-Slut
If there’s anything Koopas love more than randomly assaulting harmless passers-by, it’s Bowser. They— willingly I might add—devoted their lives to become little femboy slaves for him. (And not even for hot feminized bowser with the boobs, stupid regular bowser.) They HATE being called Bowser-slut because it makes them feel like their devotion to bowser is being trivialized, so make sure to use this one when you can (though it’s far from the most hard hitting koopa-slur.)
4. Turtle-Virg
Koopas resent their turtle-based ancestry, as they see themselves as “better than turtles.” Use this slur to remind them they’re not only turtles in your mind, but worse: turtle virgins. Koopas can’t have sex, which is great for us since they can’t reproduce on their own and create more of their abhorrent species. (Plus, who would want to have sex with a koopa??? Gross.) Making fun of their eternal virginity is a great way to shake them to their core.
3. Bonehead
One of the worst qualities of Koopas is how hard they are to kill. I would know, having the highest Koopa killcount (secondary to respiratory failure - Koopas are notoriously overworked by their boss, Bowser, and have terrible health insurance. Fantastic! I say). Dry Bones is the least annoying of the Koopas (the only good koopa being a dead koopa), but is still terrible, nonetheless. That’s why this slur, specific to dry bones variations, is useful for when you encounter one of these deranged skeletal fucks. It’s no wonder the Dry Bones fandom is dying.
2. Snowflakoopa
Koopas HATE this slur. They don’t like to be called special snowflakes, much less be called a variation of that in which I mixed it with their name.
1. Koopa Poopa
This is THE most offensive slur to use against a Koopa. Do NOT use this if you’re not immediately prepared for some sort of serious brawling. Upon hearing this, the koopas’ CIA training will activate and they will become an enraged killing machine, so make sure to be ready to stomp. On a positive note, saying this to a clan of "koopers" will provide a real challenge for some of you more devoted Koopa killers. Happy hunting!
Editor's Note: The contents of this clip may be disturbing to some. Mr. Rat told us that before we began our audio transcript of his article "Top Five Slurs To Use Upon Encountering a Koopa", he wanted to "get a few things off his chest". Unbeknownst to us, during the first 50 seconds of the clip, a few of our interns were hatching a devious plan in the room next-door to the recording studio. As you can hear from the audio, the music they played began to distress our guest columnist, causing him to suffer a seemingly minor panic attack. However, this "panic attack" quickly progressed into a full-blown psychotic break, as Mr. Rat suddenly sprung up from his chair and began brandishing a concealed handgun, shouting about the "unseen Koopa threat". Mr. Rat then began wildly shooting at the seven unfortunate BUTT writers who were present at the interview. Luckily, only a single writer was harmed. He is currently being rehabilitated at UHS urgent care, and we are looking into taking potential legal action against Mr. Rat for the damages he has caused.
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