Hi everyone. It's me, Elon Musk, champion of free speech and “memelords” alike. My recent acquisition of Twitter - a purchase I absolutely wanted to make the whole time, by the way - has gotten quite an overwhelming reception from everybody over the last few weeks and/or months. Unfortunately, lots of misinformation has started to spread around thanks to my haters on both the left and right (which proves that I’m a genius), so I have teamed up with the Binghamton University Times-Tribune to set things straight. You’ve read the title correctly; I, Elon R. Musk, am a big, dumb, stupid poopyhead.
Where do I even start? I guess the beginning would make the most sense. Like most self-made gazillionaires, I was raised into unimaginable wealth thanks to my dear daddy’s partial purchase of a Zambian emerald mine (Just like the chaos emeralds!). Through this initial investment, I was able to build my empire and eventually mislead the world into thinking I founded Tesla. With how crappy those overpriced death traps are, you’d think I'd personally built them myself! But no, I didn’t. I did, however, found SpaceX; with how well I’m running a mere social media platform, you can bet your bottom dollar - or, twenty dollars. I mean, eight - that you can put your life in my hands when it comes to living in an alien colony about fifty million miles away. Just be sure not to make fun of me when I’m Spaceking of Mars, or I’ll eject you like Among Us.
As everyone knows, I’m a bit of a troll, teehee. Like how my epic tweet referencing weed (lol) cost me my Tesla chairmanship alongside $20 million. That’s mere chump change for a Chad like me, though. I mean, I’m able to afford a decorative sink to let it into Twitter purely for the sake of the bit. I’m also firing countless employees (on an unrelated note, please pay for Twitter verification. Actually, never mind, you guys are being really mean about it for no real reason, so I’ve canceled it. Just please don’t cancel me, haha) just to troll them, teehee.
Going back to Among Us, I’m starting to think there’s an impostor among my team, the way my own platform keeps fact-checking me about basic Googleable facts. If there’s one thing I absolutely will not tolerate, it’s impostors and general impersonation. That means you, guy who I suspect to be Danielle Radcliffe. Please, please stop making fun of me, please. I want X Æ A-X12, my dear publicity stunt of a child, to actually like the real me, unlike the other six or seven kids I have. Grimes, baby, please, if you’re reading this, you know I’m one of the good billionaires that’s actively hostile towards the common man. All those nasty, mean tweets are parody accounts, which is why I have to wipe them off the face of the earth as soon as possible regardless of whether or not they make it crystal clear that they are in fact not actually me, unlike this article, however, which is quite real and legitimate.
Anyway, to conclude, I am a big stupid idiot baby moron. I am just such an incredible dingus that the only people who lick my boots are weird nerds. You’re not a weird nerd, are you? If so, please help and defend me against all these mean bullies. They’re like 99% right since I am such a dumb little loser, but I swear I didn’t actually fuck a cat. I have fucked over countless people, however, but if anyone makes fun of me they’re jealous of me and my spontaneously combusting cars. I bet they never got to hang out with Ghislaine Maxwell. I keep having to go back to this confession to update it daily since I keep finding a new way to fuck things up each and every day, but the Binghamton University Times-Tribune has informed me that most students hate their school’s two-factor authentication. So, as a parting gift, I’m making it impossible to access Brightspace by making 2FA completely inoperable, just as I’ve done for Twitter. I’m just such a fucking moron who sucks so fucking much! Fuck you!
Editor's Note - We apologize if the audio transcript is difficult to understand/incomplete. In the recording studio, Mr. Musk began trembling as soon as we gave him the written transcript of his article to read into the mic. We asked him if he'd like to record at a later date, but he insisted on doing it at the current time. We had to cut the recording short after he began to sob uncontrollably upon reaching the line "I, Elon R. Musk, am a big, dumb, stupid poopyhead." He stormed out of the studio before we could attempt to record him reading rest of the article, trailed by a distinct urine smell.