I’m not kidding. PLEASE stop making fun of me for having a milk fetish, because I do
NOT have one. The rumor, which is FALSE, just so we’re clear, is really starting to
spread around now, and I’m not sure how much more I can take. Just the other day, I
passed some girl who I don’t even fucking know, and she pointed at me and said “Aww,
there’s little baby Archie! Does Archie need his milkies?” It was NOT a fun encounter,
and it did NOT turn me on. I did NOT have to run back to my dorm directly afterwards,
missing an exam worth 40% of my grade, to rub one out. Definitely not, no siree bob.
But, of course, I do like milk in a non-sexual way. I mean, who doesn’t, right? You can
drink it straight up (my favorite way, warm of course), mix it into coffee or tea, or even
pay a goth girl eighty dollars to dump glass after glass of cold milk all over you while ad-
libbing things along the lines of “Yeah, you’re my good little milk boy, aren’t you? Now
here comes another glass, cutie~” IN A NON-SEXUAL WAY, OF COURSE! I just like
the way it makes me feel! I don’t have a milk fetish, and I just need all of you to know
that. Ok? Ok. Good. Anyway, where was I? Oh right, uses for milk.
Honestly, besides drinking it and using it in cooking and baking and stuff, I’ve managed
to find some other practical uses for the white liquid. For example, how has nobody
realized how well it works in your hair? It gets rid of dead skin cells so well! I mean,
what else could the shit falling off me be? And not to mention that it makes my hair so
shiny! It really helps make me look presentable for when I invite my favorite OnlyFans
girl, LickMyAsshole428, over to help give me a milk bath. A milk bath that is NOT
SEXUAL in ANY WAY, mind you. I obviously don’t insist specifically on a milk bath so
that I can hide my own “milk” that comes out while I’m in there. That would be silly and
weird, and it is most certainly NOT the case.
And don’t even get me STARTED on soy milk. I mean, have you heard those
conspiracies? That there’s estrogen in that stuff? Who would concoct such a thing?
And, better yet, who would buy it? I HAVEN’T BOUGHT ANY SOY MILK. NO, I
HAVEN’T. I don’t buy copious amounts of soy milk and invite the goth girl and
LickMyAsshole428 over and make them drink it to try and make their big bazongas
grow even more. That is demeaning and no I don’t FUCKING do it didn’t you just
FUCKING hear me. And while we’re at it, I also don’t drink a bunch of it myself to try
and grow my own big soft banonanonalogongas that I can smush around in my NON-
SEXUAL and NON-CUM-INFESTED milk bath. God, some people these days.
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