Greetings, my Brothers and Sisters at Binghamton University. I am writing to you about an issue faced by those of us of upstanding moral character, that being the pervasive corruption of those practicing satanism. Given that we live upon a college campus in left-leaning state, there can be no question that it exists here. However, to be entirely frank with you, I can’t find the plots and tricks that the satanic left has undoubtedly been leaving across campus. Without such evidence, who can we show the world of the debauchery and vile sin occurring among us? I attribute this lack of evidence to myself as a personal failure, and will do my utmost to atone for this.
That being said, it isn’t for lack of trying. I tried taking a Statistics class last Fall. Given
that it had all of the letters of satanist except one, I figured it was a dog whistle for the heathens hiding among our ranks. While it is a vile and horrid subject which deserves our disgust and ridicule, the professor there was welcoming and enthusiastic, and didn’t even mention how to sacrifice children unto Moloch.
I next tried going straight into the belly of the beast, taking a class on a subject I shan’t utter here, for it is of the devil (Editor’s Note: Research into Mr. Christiansen’s schedule has led us to believe that he is referencing WGSS 200, Intro to Women, Gender, and Sexuality). While there, I learned many a terrible and horrid thing, and yet once more, there were no direct references to the Satan worship that must be found somewhere on campus.
So yet again, I found a dead end. I felt discouraged, and as though maybe this was not the path God wanted for me. “Maybe,” I thought to myself “instead of seeking out evil and shaming it, my efforts would be better spent trying to faithfully and quietly practice my religion, allowing my good deeds and kind heart to be testimony to my religion’s virtues and benefits. Perhaps my crusade to find and insult those different from myself is having the opposite of the intended effect, driving people away from God, rather than welcoming them into the fold.” Could it be that my Grandparents had been wrong, and that college is not a hotbed of evil and sin?
Such foolishness was quickly quashed by a dream I had a week ago, in which an epiphany was revealed unto me! A tire wearing sixteen eyepatches spoke unto me, saying “You are a bunny rabbit wearing the face of a bookshelf.” The meaning of this dream and words therein were clear. My methods weren’t the problem- I simply couldn’t do the work alone! And so I found this organization which agreed to publish my letter, under the assumption that I was “just joking,” and “doing it for the bit.” While I don’t quite understand what the latter saying means, it is irrelevant, as I am now reaching my target audience!
So stand up and fight, my brethren! Help expose the demonic influence upon this campus, by emailing peepeepoopoo@gmail.com with evidence of witchcraft and immorality worked upon this campus. Be like unto that guy with the sign who yells at us from the spine, for he is a pillar of faith and rationality, without even ONE SINGULAR LICK OF HYPOCRISY!!!
Thank you for your attention, Brothers and Sisters. Amen.
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