BINGHAMTON, NY – As the wise Ke$ha once said, “Wake up in the morning feeling
like P. Diddy.” And you know what, Ke$ha? Sometimes, I follow your advice.
Sometimes, I DO wake up feeling like someone just rammed the fuck out of my asshole.
Why does that have to do with Diddy? Well, because he’s in JAIL now. After being
caught with… a large amount of baby oil in his residence (as was stated by his
attorney), among other things, Diddy was accused of many counts of sex trafficking at
his “Diddy parties” and/or “freak-offs.” The BUTT got an interview with investigator Ray
Pexpert about what he saw at the scene, and he confessed rather adamantly that,
“Yeah, some people definitely got molested there. I mean, he left the evidence right out
in the open! What an amateur…”
So, Sean “Diddy” Combs is now in federal custody in New York City. But you know
something? He’ll have the perfect cellmate very soon… because this cellmate just
turned himself in! That’s right! At press time, New York Mayor Eric Adams turned
himself in two days ago on account of having made deals with several countries, the
most prominent one being Türkiye. Right after our interviewers had a sufficiently
haunting time with Pexpert and shooed him out, they went to ask some questions to
Shea D. Dealings, a correspondent of Adams. When asked about the exact gifts and
favors that Adams received from Türkiye, Dealings said, “Does it really even matter? I
mean, who doesn’t like gifts, right? Anybody would have done it! Isn’t that what being
powerful is all about?”
I guess so. But now Adams will be going from lavish Turkish meals to Sodexo around
the clock. But at least he has his best friend in the whole wide world to keep him
company. Adams and Diddy have a vast and storied history together. After bestowing
Diddy with the key to New York City, Adams proclaimed that since Diddy is the bad boy
of music, he must be the bad boy of politics. And I guess that must be where his
obsession with gifts started. Actually, the BUTT confirmed this in the few words that we
managed to score with Adams himself. After panting and choking for a long while, he
said “Ugh… fuck… yeah, I guess. How can you chase me twenty city blocks and not
even break a sweat? What are you?!” And then we turned him into the police personally
and then everybody in the area turned to us and clapped. Enjoy your new roomie,
Diddy! We’re sending over your favorite former police captain, and he’s ready to show
off his baton!
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