Since the death of that gorilla, no animal loss has sparked such intense outrage among
liberals and conservatives alike — until now. The beloved social media icon Peanut the Squirrel was executed following allegations of his involvement in the controversial Chipmunk Genocide of ‘22, where the chipmunk population dropped from thousands to just 25 species. Some supporters claim that these images were fabricated using AI, and his role in the massacre was severely overplayed. Others deny the Chipmunk Genocide even happened, and that the government killed him to assert their dominance on his owner, Mark Longo. Whatever the case, these supporters initially took to the internet to share their pains. But after their instagram stories and tweets were overlooked, pro-Peanut activists did the unthinkable: public exposure. But could we have seen this coming? In order to understand this issue, we must first look at the callous execution of Harambe.
Harambe was a silverback gorilla in Cincinnati Zoo, who was shot and killed in 2016 by a
zookeeper after a three-year-old fell into his enclosure. His death was highly controversial, launching countless protests across the country. The most notorious was the “dicks out for Harambe” movement, which took the nation by storm as phallic members were whipped out in honor of the silverback. As a result, outrage over Harambe’s death set a crucial precedent for animal-related murders: flashing your genitals in public.
“Peanut’s death was an outrage. I was morally obliged to make a statement,” animal
rights activist Mike Hawk commented from Broome County Correctional Facility. Last Thursday, Hawk went viral on TikTok after police officers arrested him inside of a grocery store. Surveillance camera footage later surfaced of him rubbing his sweaty balls over various produce products and dropping strands of his pubic hair in milk cartons. Wegmans declined to comment.
Even Mark Longo wasn’t safe from the movement. The OnlyFans content creator and “Peanut’s Father” was driving to a friend’s house when two teenagers named Dick Stroker and Mike Oxmaul jumped in front of his vehicle and exposed their hairy nutsacks.
“I’m proud of my boyfriend,” Emma Roids commented. “I’ve known Dick since we were kids. He always strives to do the right thing, and this was no different.”
But testicles aren’t the only private parts being taken out in public places. Feminist
movements are adopting their own movement in parallel: “Pussies out for Peanut.”
“I’m all for public indecency in order to protest dead animals,” feminist leader Anita Pea
told journalists. “Just today, I went to the nursing home and flashed my box at some old folks playing shuffleboard. I explained to the police that it was in honor of Peanut the Squirrel, but they didn’t seem to care.” Anita is currently out on bail and awaiting trial for public indecency.
Let’s hope that no class hamsters are unjustly killed, or elementary schools will need to
tighten their security to keep protesters out.
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