Last week on February 29th, Binghamton’s biggest feminist allies banded together to get rid of one common enemy: menstrual cramps. When asked for his main motive behind such a protest, protest leader, Siggs Five, commented that “[He is] 6 '5 and also can’t stand to see women in pain.” He says that in his five-six hours of Reddit scouring per day, he sees at least 50 comments about women complaining about menstrual cramps. This is because he spends most of his time on r/menstrualcramps.
When women tried to join the protest, the men forbade them from partaking, as “women shouldn’t have to deal with even more pain than they already do.” “This is a protest for men. Women shouldn’t have to learn to stand up for themselves. As men, we can do that for them. Also I’m 6’5,” explained an anonymous interviewee. They also banned the use of the words “pad” and “tampon” so that “Women shouldn’t have to be embarrassed of their disgusting periods,” further destigmatizing women’s menstrual cycles.
Some suggested ideas to ban menstrual cramps included making every woman take birth control, burning all tampons and pads so that the periods would have nowhere to go, and banning those who have periods from the school all together.
We asked a female passerby her opinion on such a protest. “I’m begging you to stop,” she said. Siggs Five theorized that “Her cramps must be so bad that she doesn’t know what she wants,” marching and chanting now even stronger in order to save women everywhere.
As the protestors marched, they handed out pamphlets titled Menstrual Cramps: An Epidemic We Can’t Ignore. The pamphlet featured a severely pained woman in the background. The pamphlet also included a shocking statistic: “1 in 1 men suffer from menstrual cramps by proxy.” “I’ve felt the pain,” Siggs explained. “It’s my duty as a man, a tall man, to advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves.” He paused “And I’m not just any tall guy, I’m 6’5. I’m built for this.”
As for the protestor’s end goal, Siggs Five explained to us that “Our ultimate aim is to ban menstrual cramps, forever. And if that means we have to go on hunger strikes, sit-in protests, or invade a few OBGYN offices to find a real solution, then so be it. We even tried breaking into the paid metal tampon boxes in the ladies restroom but were told they ‘aren’t for us…’”
Stay tuned for next week, when BUTT Reporters Gail Forcewind, Yafit Schmell, and Mel N. Colly cover another on campus protest, banning Jews from fasting on Yom Kippur. “They shouldn’t have to starve!”
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