The Binghamton campus was shocked this week when university president Harvey Stenger was revealed to secretly be a 300-year old lich, who had been maintaining his unnatural lifespan by siphoning the souls of freshmen staying in the Oneida residence hall in College in the Woods. Further inspection revealed the hall’s architecture to act as a magical conduit, transmitting the freshmen’s life force directly to Stenger’s soul.
“Looking closer, the building seems to be uniquely designed for maximizing the suffering of its inhabitants. Frankly I’m shocked I didn’t notice it sooner,” says professor Bud Hollandaise, who teaches a lecture on cursed and unholy architecture at Binghamton. “Though to be fair I haven’t come to work sober since I got tenured six years ago. Uh, don’t print that.”
Collegiate professor Eurydice Bowman, an expert on undead behavior and feeding habits, also weighed in from her office in the Bartle Library basement: “This is fairly typical behavior for a lich of this age and strength, though the scale is a bit unusual. This is all really exciting, I don’t really ever get a chance to do this in the field anymore, since I, uh, can’t actually find my way out of my office. I’ve been down here for two years.”
The affected Oneida residents have been evacuated and as a temporary measure are being housed in tents in the nature preserve, which most cite as an improvement in living conditions. The hunt for Stenger’s phylactery is ongoing, and Stenger himself remains at large.
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