Love is in the air - and so is the smell of bleach and fish! Gross! Whether you’re spending Valentine’s Day on a first date or with a long term partner, you might find yourself nervous to finish the night with a bang. But never fear, we consulted with various sexperts (a real and legitimate title to hold) to learn the secrets of having perfect sex.
Mention your ex as much as possible.
It really turns people on to hear their sexual partner speak about their ex before AND after sex. If possible, you should also accidentally call your partner by your ex’s name. Nothing says you’re ready for a new relationship like constantly talking about your past one!
Finger your partner as hard and fast as you possibly can without any warm up.
Women love this! They can’t finish unless you give them a friction burn! Try to imagine your partner as a turntable with a record on it, and you’re an old-school DJ who is rubbing that record as fast and violently as possible. If your partner has a penis, you can achieve a similar result by CRUSHING THEIR DICK IN YOUR FIST.
Awkwardly stop what you’re doing in the middle of sex to ask your partner if they’ve finished.
There’s nothing that turns anybody on more than this! Don’t you love when you’re getting hot-and-heavy with someone and then they just completely give up halfway through? If you want to add some extra spice, ask this question in the most deadpanned way possible so that they know you really don’t give a shit. (P.S.: if you have to ask, the answer is probably ‘no.’)
Compare your partner’s body to porn actors.
If you aren’t constantly gooning to unrealistic, exploitative videos of actual models, how will you ever learn to have sex? Always remember to ask your partner why their chest doesn’t look like the silicone-filled breasts of your favorite mattress actress. It will really turn them on!
Release a swarm of locusts when you finish.
Some people make noise when they cum, some people smile, some even laugh. But what your partner will be most excited to see is a cloud of locusts bursting from your mouth. They will definitely rejoice when the product of your love devours thousands of crops, leading to famine across the country. Boner alert!
Remember to use protection :-)
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