Recent reports have revealed that the Homecoming celebration on October 9th was not what it seemed to be. Upper campus celebrated the Binghamton Bearcats while the Thomas J. Watson College of Engineering and Applied Science carpet bombed the School of Management over internal disputes. Both agreed to keep the conflict under wraps to maintain Binghamton’s reputation as anything but a war zone, with auxiliary staff aiding in their secrecy. Today, the conspiracy unfolds.
Armed with homebrewed gadgets and gizmos, the engineering department rained fire down on the sharply dressed SOM soldiers. What many thought to be fireworks were in fact missiles launched from bazookas. The Vine-like booming all heard hailed from these explosions, EMP grenades- an extra precaution, as eduroam already made it impossible for their enemies to relay information to each other- and the occasional drone strike. While everyone was dazzled with the display above, engineers below drove hotwired Barbie Jeeps modified into makeshift tanks and mounted Boston Dynamics robots with thermal knives welded to each side. Their foot soldiers, clad in power armor, wirelessly commanded miniature heat-tracing explosives on treads while they shot plasma beams from their palms, making quick work of the opposing infantry. Brandishing dining hall utensils in one hand and hollow briefcase shields in the other, they managed to crinkle like paper under the weight of intense cannonade.
The RAs on duty were left scrambling to cover up all signs of war, collecting wayward limbs and digging mass graves in the nature preserve. Any students who caught wind of the truth were left to choose between forced conscription or death. “There was no real choice,” philosophy major Michael Lucy, who wishes to remain anonymous, told the BUTT, “It was only a matter of how I wanted to go out; atomizing a professor I never met or scooping another’s eyes out with a spoon.” A handful of undergraduates dropped out of Binghamton without a trace the following day.
“I love nothing more than intentionally spreading misinformation,” poli-sci major and RA Dimitri Shepilov confided in an undercover Times-Tribune agent, “so when we received orders from on high to propagandize events, I was devilishly delighted.” Occurring on the same weekend as Homecoming, it made for the perfect coverup to console concerned students throughout all of GroupMe. It wasn’t all fun and games though, as the ACs forced their faculty to pick sides as a staff bonding activity. A silent proxy war sparked between the dorms, with half of them begrudgingly aligning with Management.
Everyone loves an underdog, except when that underdog is the School of Management. The whole bloody conflict began over the endless stream of mockery it faced on YikYak, an app dedicated to anonymous local commentary. Picking who to lash out at by picking names out of a hat, the Management Director egged the Engineering and Science Building on the 31st of September. A gift box with a glowing red button on top and sticky note attached which read “FOR YOU <3” was promptly placed on his office doorstep the following evening. Enthralled by the prospect of a secret admirer, he pressed it down, unwillingly setting off pyrotechnics across the campus. This back-and-forth was “written off” as students screwing around. Approximately a week later, the two sides had at it face-to-face. Ultimately, nineteen of the twenty one SOM personnel disappeared alongside a single TJWCEAS provost, who was burnt to a crisp after accidentally setting off his own landmine. The overall fight had no concise end, wrapping up only when ammunition ran low.
Those enrolling in the School of Management are unfazed by the battle despite the heavy casualties its faculty faced. Many are unaware that there was any faculty present in the department to begin with. “This week’s lectures have been awfully quiet,” business major Alfonso Cornwall noted when asked if he noticed any changes as of late, “which is great since I can better focus on Slither.io during them now.” So it goes.
Watson, on the other hand, is partnering up with the Decker College of Nursing and Health Sciences in order to undo their singular mistake. “He’ll be back and better than ever,” the Decker dean reassured the engineers as they constructed his prosthetic graphene body. This time, not even Watson’s own Claymores can keep the department down. Rumors suggest that there won’t be a next time in terms of conflict with SOM as they were brought to the brink of annihilation. Application opportunities to join what’s left of their staff will be opening on Handshake this November.
“A sentry is trained on my partner and I’m not letting him go out alone. This is it. It’s been an honor writing for The BUTT. The people deserve the truth. My one regret is that I never made amends with the Cheese Club. I hope, when it happens, that I end up in a ring of Hell far and away from James Corden. Oh, God…For anyone who sees this, be sure to check out our Twitter also it’s @Th“ is the last entry written in a shared Google Doc from a reporter on the scene.
For most, this fateful weekend was either magical or annoying on account of the constant blasts. For the unspoken few, it was certainly a blast, but the kind that reduces you to a smudge on the pavement. “My bad guys,” a user who signs all his confessional YikYak posts with “- Meatman G. E.“ declared. Whoever this “Meatman” guy is, he’s continued to imply over the last few weeks that the vast majority of SOM slander may have originated from within the School itself.
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