Following days of intense and intrepid investigative reporting — which in no way involved falling asleep in a dumpster outside Elon Musk’s house and being subsequently arrested for public intoxication in a failed stakeout attempt — the staff of the Binghamton University Times Tribune has gained access to a portal to the alternate “Dark MAGA” universe recently discovered by everyone’s least favorite tech CEO. This universe appears to be an almost exact replica of our own, with copies of everyone existing on this Earth, with the only major difference being that everyone in it is evil, and to indicate this all have either an eyepatch, a black goatee, a facial scar, or in the case of some ambitious individuals, all three.
At time of writing, the BUTT staff is reporting from within this mirror universe where apart from cosmetic differences things seem depressingly the same as our world, in that everything is completely fucked, except that everyone here seems to be having more fun. For reference, Musk himself, while allowing hundreds of Nazis onto Twitter, did so while twirling a whiplash-style handlebar mustache and stroking a white cat, which he said was “great for my mental health.” In addition, BUTT writers witnessed an interview of this universe’s version of Donald Trump in which, in reference to January 6th, he stated that he “would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”
Contact was made with an accomplished astrophysicist from this universe, who, while steepling his fingers, commented in a thick German accent that “Yes, we’ve known about your universe for quite some time now, quite some time. We call it the ‘Dumb and Boring MAGA’ universe. I’ve always dreamed of visiting it myself, but all of my suggestions for an invasion were shot down due to ‘budgetary issues.’ Still, as they say, there’s more than one way to skin an infant, and I’m certain I’ll see it someday.”
In other news, the BUTT writers assigned to report on this story were ambushed on their way back to the portal by their own mirror universe counterparts (who, in addition to their villainy, are differentiated in that they write articles that are funny), who are now demanding access to our universe in order to kill and replace us. Please send help, these people are psychopaths and are threatening us with being forced to read our own articles for hours non-stop. Please dear god send help.
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