Binghamton University’s Decker Student Health Services Center announced ereyesterday that they had swiftly performed a 79th trimester abortion on the school’s mascot, Baxter the Bearcat. Their announcement to terminate the adult fetus in the Bartle Library bathrooms comes following former presidential candidate Trump’s remarks that Democrats support abortion “after birth.”
“Upon reflection with the current body of scientific literature, it becomes clear that the role of Decker Health Services is to enforce the belief that life only begins once a person goes on Medicare,” said Pompus Pilates, head of the Decker Department of Abortion. “We really want Baxter to be a mascot that everyone can look up to, and that can only be truly accomplished if we turn him into a martyr.”
Decker Abortion moved into the ground floor of Bartle on Tuesday, preparing for the medical procedure by chanting ominously within a dimly lit bathroom. The move also serves to demonstrate the wide range of services available for students at the SUNY: safe sex and reproductive health products, mental health services, vaccination clinics, and the ability to terminate a fetus well after it is able to pay taxes.
“We truly hope that this operation can help benefit all of the parents out there who may be unsure if they can take care of their 20 year old child,” declared Dr. William Shakspe. As one of the fourteen doctors responsible for signing off on the politically relevant operation, he had very strong opinions on the matter: “It really puts a financial and emotional stress on a family when they have no choice but to keep their children around for another 18 years.”
The move comes after Kathy Hochul, New York Democrat, announced that “it’s all fair game; go nuts.” However, some see this move as diverting precious medical resources from other areas in which they are truly needed.
Quandale Asbestos, one employee of Decker Health Services who opposed the new program, went on record to note that, “we truly could perform so many more transgender operations on the unsuspecting prospective students if it weren’t for the increased abortion budget.”
When Baxter himself was asked for a comment following the operation, he refused to take any questions.
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