Pipe Dream has recently released an advice column called ‘Dear Doris’ enabling everyday college students to reach out to a writer that they have never met and receive one to two paragraphs’ worth of mildly helpful tips. In order to stay relevant, the Binghamton Union Times and Tribune has created its own, rival advice column called Dear David. Columnist David Belkin is a distinguished writer whose English professor had once described him as “the loudest chewer in any lecture hall.” Several students and faculty have already sent David letters asking for all kinds of advice.
Dear David: How do I find I job? I tried asking Doris at Pipe Dream, but then I remembered that Doris writes for Pipe Dream. Any real advice?
Signed, Hireable
Dear Hireable,
As far as I am concerned, you and everyone else in the job market are my competition. I cannot in all good conscious advise you in this area. Once I find steady work, we can revisit this.
Best,
David
Dear David: My friends all want to go to a bar this weekend. But I am only nineteen, so I bought a fake ID. Will I get caught?
Signed, Underaged
Dear Underaged,
Turning away potential customers based on factors such as age or legality is not a good business practice, and most college bars understand this. Find another student whose shoulders you can climb on and a very large trench coat for you both to wear, and you both should be fine.
Have a safe weekend,
David
Dear David: I am a freshman who selected his roommate randomly on the housing portal. He and I haven’t gotten along even once in the five months we have lived together. When I hear his footsteps from down the hall, I become filled with dread. I am considering moving out. What do you think?
Signed, Residential Struggling
Dear Residential Struggling,
Five months is not enough time to determine whether you roommate is a good fit for you. Give it a year and then reconsider.
Best,
David
Dear David: I am starting to believe more and more in the male loneliness epidemic. It is harder than ever for me to build male friendships. I am doing everything I can— I go to clubs, I talk to people in my classes, I message people on Reddit— but nothing seems to come of it. Our generation seems entirely uninterested in and in some cases even adverse to male bonding, and this phenomenon is only becoming more and more prevalent as male friendships continue to decline. What do you think can be done to encourage more friendships between men in our generation before we all become completely isolated?
Signed, Lonely
Dear Lonely,
Please stop reaching out to me.
Best,
David
Dear David: Doesn’t Binghamton have any good spots to take a date to? The girls I match with on Tinder don’t really seem to enjoy bowling in the Union over a Diet Pepsi from the vending machine for a first date.
Signed, Single and Mingling
Dear Single and Mingling,
There is a Chuck E. Cheese in walking distance from the University. Tell them I sent you and my friend Ricardo will give you and your date can a table farthest away from any birthday parties happening that night. If you go on the jungle gym, burn your clothes afterward.
Best,
David
Dear David: I am a professor whose students are turning in essays written by ChatGPT in increasing numbers and am very distressed. I do not want to fail anyone, but this is becoming unacceptable. What should I do?
Signed, Academically Honest
Dear Academically Honest,
This is quite a conundrum. You don’t want your students to fail, right? If they wrote essays in their own words, however, then they surely will not pass your class. Teaching business majors is no easy task, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for professors in your position.
Best,
David
Dear David: Pipe Dream already has an advice column called Dear Doris that I write for. Yet even though Pipe Dream is a better known and more established on-campus news publication, your shameless rip-off seems to be far more entertaining and is already attracting far more attention. How can I improve my own advice column?
Signed, Doris
Dear Doris,
I am humbled you have conceded defeat in the face of my superior abilities as an advice columnist. As remarkable as it is that a woman whose name is so unpopular and unheard of traveled forward in time from the 1870s to create an advice column for Pipe Dream, your column has lots of room for improvement. Since this is an opinion piece for Pipe Dream, you should start using words like “slay,” “giving,” and “unserious,” so people can tell how terminally online you are.
Best,
David