As the new school year unfolds, many returning students have been feeling as though something is missing. Not their motivation, as that was lost years ago, nor their keys, which are not in their pockets. Instead, the university administration has ordered the removal of the beloved library ramp. No longer will its sad, cracked, slippery form be a source of joy, whimsy, and compound fractures for all.
When asked about the reasoning for this decision, Foreman Ian CanVence was quoted as saying, “I just do what I’m paid to do, and what I’m paid to do is to ruin students’ day. Luckily for me, I’m a bit of a go-getter, so I prefer to go above and beyond. That’s why I’m proud to announce that this project will last at least three more months, before we move onto our next victi- I mean, project.” Mr. CanVence then proceeded to giggle maniacally to himself as he unfurled blueprints to hide behind, entitled “Eighty-Five Degrees Staircase.” Our reporter was then escorted out of Mr. CanVence’s trailer by several muscular, yet surprisingly gentle, construction workers.
Fortunately, the noble and dignified reporter did not leave empty-handed, managing to
snatch several classified documents, detailing the next plans for renovations on campus. The BUTT alone- out of all campus news- has access to these plans, which we now publish in a tell-all.
Firstly, the university plans to install anti-homeless architecture around campus, such as
slanted benches, fencing off warm yet odious sewer grates, and covering every available surface of the lecture hall with rusty nails. After this plan is completed sometime in late December, the university will remove every elevator, replacing them instead with a singular rope made of rotting fabric. Lastly, the university will continue renovating the showers all across campus, changing nothing except removing every single soap dish on campus, because college students aren’t allowing to have fancy things, such a place to put their bar of soap while cleaning themselves.
That is all we were able to deduce from recovered documents, but the BUTT will
continue to investigate. Stay tuned for more updates, as this story is still under construction.
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