Aries
March 21 - April 20
Today is going to be your lucky day, but you don’t know it yet. There’s a prize waiting for you somewhere, and the universe will be sending you subtle hints to find it; listen to these hints, and don’t let anything short of a natural disaster get in your way. Especially listen to any subtle hints pertaining to STD testing.
Taurus
April 21 - May 21
I actually don’t really know much about Taurus. It’s a cow, uh… moo? Drink milk? Eat hamburger? I don’t fucking know.
Gemini
May 22 - June 21
Everybody hates Geminis. You’re actually a piece of shit, like, you specifically. This isn’t a horoscope, this is a wakeup call. Get your fucking life together.
Cancer
June 22 - July 23
Today the universe may send bad energy your way, but always remember that any bad energy sent your way can be blocked, overpowered, and pinned down in a sweaty, homoerotic wrestling scene by the good energy you put out into the world. You have to, quite literally, kill them with kindness.*
*The Binghamton BUTT is not legally responsible for anyone killed by kindness
Leo
July 24 - August 23
Boobs.
Virgo
August 24 - September 23
Remember to always turn the lights off when you leave your dorm room, limit the amount of hot water you use in the shower, and be mindful of the amount of gas you use. 150 species go extinct every day. Miami will be 60% underwater by 2050. Take care of your fucking planet you slob.
Libra
September 24 - October 23
Remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Remember also that you should probably avoid eating at C4 today. Your lucky numbers are 3, 14, 5, 69, 8, and Sin(𝜋).
Scorpio
October 24 - November 22
You must look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself. Bazinga.
Sagittarius
November 23 - December 21
At a time when everything seems to be happening at once, it’s important to give yourself time to relax and relieve your stress. Enjoy the little things; eating a bowl of ice cream after a hard day, watching a nice sunset from the nature preserve, punching a freshman, hanging out with your friends, punching a freshman, punching a freshman. Go punch a freshman, they’ve had it good for too long.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 20
The worst idea in the world, if acted on, is better than the best idea that just gets talked about and never done, because all the talk in the world don’t mean shit. You have good ideas, fucking commit to them.
Aquarius
January 21 - February 19
Whenever the door of opportunity seems like it’s closed for you, remember to ask yourself who closed it. And then notice that it’s a glass door and there are plenty of bricks and loose stones lying around. Avoid red meat.
Pisces
February 20 - March 20
Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, bye!
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