BINGHAMTON, NY – On August 29th, a shocking discovery was made outside of the Binghamton Bookstore. The Baxter the Bearcat statue that we had all assumed to be inanimate came to life! Claiming to have had a run-in with a mysterious blue-haired suit-wearing fairy, the statue is now alive and thriving.
Now that he’s alive, the statue has to work to keep being allowed to loiter around campus all day and thus was allowed to keep his bench-sitting job. “He keeps really still,” says student Figgha Roe, “Like he wants us to think he’s still a statue.” Regardless of Baxter’s performance on the job, it's what he does off the job that is a little more concerning. Having gotten into a fight with Kappa Upsilon Mu pledge, Cleo Goldfishe, Baxter has successfully become the first non-Binghamton student to be kicked out of every frat and bar within a 10-mile radius.
Realizing that Baxter needed someone to tell him the difference between right and wrong, his mysterious blue fairy introduced him to Jim N. E. Criquette, a success coach from Binghamton’s Student Success Center. But, upon hearing an offer from Han S. John, a local billionaire, to sponsor Baxter for this year’s upcoming Mascot Madness, Baxter abandoned Criquette just as soon as they were introduced. John claims that he will provide Baxter exposure on the internet with the help of his business partner and local internet celebrity Gideon.
While Baxter’s internet fame has yet to take off due to his benefactors, he has become famous in other ways. When caught stealing a slice of cheese from C4 and saying he just “forgot to scan it”, his tail grew six inches longer. The University Police have taken this method of catching thieves into consideration and will be coming out with their own lie-detecting growth hormones to force-feed Binghamton students later this year.
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