Astroturf is King! Another Win for Binghamton University Students

In all their ingenuity and benevolence, Binghamton University has generously set aside some money from their 60-million dollar allowance for the totally necessary new lecture hall to invest in a smaller construction project students have REALLY been asking for: that is, replacing the grass quads in Dickinson and College in the Woods with astroturf. Finally, at long last, students will not only get to “eat turf” so to speak next time they’re pummeled in co-rec football, but also get their daily dose of microplastics.

You know, the great thing about astroturf is the fact that it reflects substantially more heat than grass ever did, turning any field into a hotbed nightmare. If you’re tired of having teammates on your ultimate frisbee team who just don’t move fast enough, rest assured— they will, motivated by the risk of second degree burns if they stand in one spot more than a second.

What’s more, they finally drove out that pesky family of groundhogs that always kept to themselves and never bothered anyone. Students first right? My only hope is that they bless us with more parking in the near future. After all, we’re sitting on 190 acres of prime, pavable real estate right behind Mountainview that’s not even being used. Maybe then students would finally shut their yaps about the lack of spots on campus.

Higher-ups behind this innovative decision have cited that one reason for making the switch was because conversion to synthetic turf lessens maintenance requirements. I think I speak for everyone when I say our maintenance guys deserve a break, right? I mean, trimming those quads once a week, on ride mowers no less! It’s clear this team is breaking its back for us; I don’t know why they didn’t make the switch sooner.

The big question on everyone’s minds is “what’s next?” Sure, replacing the Dickinson and CIW quads are a great first step, but more can always be done. Since grass seems to be the big issue, why even have any sort of turf at all? We might as well just pave the Peace Quad and paint it green at this point, maybe even put in some fake plastic trees with charging ports for the birds. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes, I just stop and think how privileged I am to go to a school that’s so in touch with their student body.