The world was shook last spring by the tragic and untimely deaths of two employees of the aerospace company Boeing, both of them cut down in the primes of their lives just before they were due to testify against their employers in a series of events that led the whole world to say in mourning “They were totally killed though, right? They were, like, obviously killed.” The whole world, as it turns out, was correct, and this week the BUTT has gained exclusive access to the assassin hired by Boeing to do the deed: the enigmatic Ripper, leader of the mysterious Appendage Clan of ninjas and a major figure in the world of contract killing. The Ripper provided a statement to the BUTT that is, in his own words, “a long time coming.” Read the statement below:
“My name is the Ripper, and I’ve been in the assassination business a long time, since I founded the Appendage Clan back in ‘84. I’d like to think that what we do means something. It’s not just about the money. I mean, it’s mostly about the money, but there’s a sort of professionalism, a sort of pride in the job too, pride in doing it well. And that professionalism is, I think, on the decline in the world of contract killers, and that’s truly sad. If you hired a ninja back in the day, if meant something, it was a fucking commitment. A commitment to wanting someone dead, being willing to do anything it took to make that person dead, and then giving that ninja whatever they needed to do the job. And yeah, it was expensive, because you were hiring a fucking professional! Back in the day if a ninja killed someone, no one would ever know they died from anything other than natural causes. It was a great time to be an assassin, y’know, the heyday of the industry.
“Now look at things! Look at the two Boeing whistleblowers! From day one, everyone pegged that they were killed! Everyone! And I’m more pissed than anyone else! This is a tremendous slur on my professional conduct. It reflects badly on me, it reflects badly on the clan, and it looks like shit to future customers. But when the people who hired you are tight-fisted, stingy, misers who’ve never heard of subtlety and don’t understand the concept of taking pride in one’s work, shit is all you can deliver, with what they’re paying and the amount of time they’re giving! If this is the amount of effort Boeing puts into killing people, honestly I’m not surprised their planes are falling out of the sky.
“And y’know, it’s not just Boeing, too. It’s a trend that I’ve noticed across the industry these past few years, the Boeing job was just what pushed me over the edge to write this statement. Frankly, it’s a sad time for assassinations in general, it’s like no one takes their work seriously anymore. Like I said, no one takes pride in what they do. They don’t care about doing the job well, they just care that the target ends up dead, and honestly, a lot of these newer assassins are fucking up that part too. I shouldn’t name names, y’know, but honestly, how do you fuck up a clear, perfect shot twice?”
Kommentare