Spring has come! The birds are chirping, the trees are blooming, and love is in the air. While we recognize that not everyone is entitled to the fruits of this beautiful season, most likely because you're all too busy poring over papers and drenching your brains in caffeine so that you'll be able to focus on committing to memory that one darn thing that may or may not be on the final, we're assuming there's a light at the end of the tunnel: that special someone. In honor of this wonderful time of year, here are a few happy pairings who found their other half in the most improbable, implausible, and absolutely most-questionable of places, who are definitely more happy than you, right now.
A Shared Struggle
Isabella-Bernard Sasone and Michael Crohn - '72
I had just eaten some awful Sodexo concoction for dinner in the College in the Woods dining hall. There wasn’t enough on my meal plan to afford the watered-down dining hall coffee I usually use to clear out my system. It felt like I had to shit, though. Bad.
I ran into the bathroom on the second floor of CIW, locked the stall, and sat down. Panic struck me when I realized there was somebody in the stall next to me. I get major anxiety attacks in public restrooms, so I'm extremely self-conscious of the noises I make when I have to go in a bathroom on campus. However, this time was different. I noticed that whenever I would try to go, I would hear a grunting next to me. I was puzzled by this, and eventually I realized he was trying to match my pace. We really got into a rhythm; it got to the point where our pained movements were perfectly synchronized.
Finally, I felt relief. I unlocked my stall and held my breath; partially because of the smell but also because I was scared to see his face. I turned my head and there he was, smiling. Like victims of a mass atrocity, we had both just gone through something horrible and came out the other end. That’s when I knew he was the one. Michael and I are now living on a farm upstate with three beautiful grandchildren who have mysterious gastrointestinal issues that flare up from time to time.
A Chance Encounter at Tom and Marty's
Wendy Wilderson and Drew Pissandrew - '93
Drew Pissandrew and I met during our Freshman year. We were both blackout drunk at the time in Tom and Marty’s. The line for the disgusting single toilet bathroom was too long and Drew, thinking he was slick, whipped out his dick and started peeing in the corner of the bar. Unfortunately (or fortunately, considering where we are now), I was just about passed out in the exact spot where he decided to take a leak. I felt a warm liquid trickle down my back and suddenly jolted up. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn’t decided to whiz at that moment - I could have been trampled by the wild dancers! We’re now living on a farm upstate with five gorgeous children, and our youngest has severe fetal alcohol syndrome.
Never Judge a Book by its Cover
Matthew Tollander and Susanna Cannabinol - 2010
Me and my friends used to eat at C4 Nite Owl, like every night. I don’t remember what we were talking about that night, but we were interrupted by this random man coming over and sitting at our table. We were wondering what mysterious reason led him to sit with us. Was he just looking to make friends? I remember, at that moment, he was wearing the most captivating plain gray hoodie and generic jeans. He opened his mouth and what came out of it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard:
“Yo lemme hit that pen real quick.”
At that moment, I was in love. Here was a man with the confidence to ask you for something that you had, that he wanted. I dropped the disposable I was holding and immediately proposed to him on the spot, in the middle of C4 Nowl, with a greasy onion ring. Now we’re living on a farm upstate, with four adorable toddlers who do nothing but watch Family Guy Funny Moments on their iPads and chainsmoke.
A Testing Center Infatuation
Maria Manic and Jonathon Marmalade - 2015
There I was, getting extra time on my philosophy midterm, when he sat next to me. Normally I wouldn't care, given there are about a thousand empty seats in the testing center on a good day, but this time was different. He smelled of musk and treebark. Hot! I twirled my hair, imagining I was some sort of pixie or small, bangable creature. Normally, I don’t care much for the extra time, but that day I was thankful since it just meant I had more time to stare at him. I tried to communicate with him in Morse code by tapping my pencil against my chin, but perhaps I wasn’t loud enough because he didn’t seem to understand. Good thing too... I probably would’ve scared him away with my looping “I love you, I love you. Please marry me and have my babies.”
Anyway, he eventually turned to me when I started reciting Hotel California (just to prove I’m not like those other girls who don’t know The Eagles). We started sucking face right then and there, 47 security cameras be damned. I was in heaven for a good half-minute before the CIA tackled us for cheating and we were subsequently expelled for academic dishonesty. We’ve been dating ever since! (and living on a farm in Westchester, upstate, with two pitbulls we imagine are children because we’re one of “those” couples.)
An Attractive Bearcat
JoAnn Nuzzel and Vernon Bulge - '87
I met my husband ages ago here at Binghamton during an indoor basketball game. He approached me in the stands after our school won the big game. He didn't say a word, but he communicated it all through non-verbal gestures; I could tell he was into me. I immediately took notice of his chiseled features, masculine eyes, button-like nose, and infectious smile. Then, he detached his head. Underneath I found a smart and sensitive man who I would come to love very much and marry upon our graduation (though all things considered, I prefer it when the mask stays on for purely aesthetic reasons). Currently, myself and Vernon are enjoying ourselves on a farm in Upstate NY (alongside every other couple on this list, as we've all jointly decided to form a healthy autonomous socialist farming commune), where we're raising 7 children of varying ages who get bullied in school because it's a publicly known fact that their parents are furries.
Have you considered an on-campus marriage, to show your love and appreciation for the alma mater that brought you together (because we all know you'd have absolutely zero bitches if not for us)? Popular venues include the Binghamton University Nature Preserve, the Mandela Room, Fine Arts Courtyard, and the third floor of Bartle Library (Deluxe Wedding Snow™ included!). Call the Physical Facilities Vice-Wedding Coordinator at 607-777-2226 if interested. Bookings are limited, so make sure you call within the next 24 hours of reading this in order to secure your special on-campus wedding spot.
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