‘Nuts Out for Peanut’ Takes America by Storm Eight Years After Harambe
Since the death of that gorilla, no animal loss has sparked such intense outrage among liberals and conservatives alike — until now. The...
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THE BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY TIMES TRIBUNE
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Sue Donim
Nov 42 min read
Jeb Bush Wins Mock Election at Binghamton University
Like many other Binghamton students, this year marks the first time in which I’ll be eligible to vote in the presidential election....
8 views
Lincoln LaMastro
Oct 172 min read
Elon Musk Unveils Portal to Evil Alternate “Dark MAGA” Universe Where Everyone Has Eyepatch, Goatee, or Scar
Following days of intense and intrepid investigative reporting — which in no way involved falling asleep in a dumpster outside Elon...
15 views
Lincoln LaMastro
Oct 93 min read
“A Sad Day for a Professional Killer”: Boeing Assassin Reveals Secrets in Tell-All Interview
The world was shook last spring by the tragic and untimely deaths of two employees of the aerospace company Boeing, both of them cut down...
14 views
Andrew Schiller
Oct 22 min read
Oiling Up a Türkiye: Former NY Mayor Adams to Become Cellmate with Diddy
BINGHAMTON, NY – As the wise Ke$ha once said, “Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.” And you know what, Ke$ha? Sometimes, I...
28 views
J.T.
Sep 172 min read
Decker Gives Baxter 79th Trimester Abortion, “Execution-Style”
Binghamton University’s Decker Student Health Services Center announced ereyesterday that they had swiftly performed a 79th trimester...
39 views
S
Sep 101 min read
Elon Musk Discovers Puppy Play
Pictures circulating online have shown Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX; owner of Twitter (which he also calls X); and professional...
30 views
Calvin Matthes
Feb 153 min read
DEA Hosts Annual Potluck for Repossessed Drugs
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA— Every year the Vegas strip sees thousands of DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) fraternities descend upon the city to...
9 views
Andrew Schiller
Dec 12, 20233 min read
BREAKING: George Santos Caught Being a Naughty Little Boy
BINGHAMTON, NY – Fellas, there’s just no way around it. We all like to have a little “fun” sometimes, but no matter what, it requires...
46 views
Madison Cardiel
Nov 5, 20231 min read
Guy Trying to Ban Drag Definitely Wears High Heels
Okay, we’ll admit it- writing satire is really hard. Coming up with all of these off-the-wall, absolutely bananas ideas takes time and...
16 views
Sam Wheeler
Apr 19, 20233 min read
Trump Arrest Revealed to be Part of New Trump Organization Reality TV Series, "Art of the Steal"
In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump's highly publicized indictment has been announced by the Trump Organization...
41 views
Maxwell Maceluch
Mar 30, 20232 min read
Donald Trump Held in Superposition State Prison Where He Is Simultaneously Arrested/Free
Much confusion has spread over what should be a seemingly simple, innocuous inquiry: has former President Donald Trump been arrested for...
45 views
Ethan Lam
Mar 24, 20233 min read
Rep. Greene Warns Supporters That AI Voice Technology Could Frame Her For Saying Something Tolerant
Amidst fears that AI could be misused for nefarious political purposes, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) tweeted out to her supporters...
24 views
Sam Wheeler
Feb 28, 20233 min read
"Damn, this place is a shithole”: CCP Releases First Statement Following S. Carolina Balloon Fiasco
The Chinese Communist Party has just released an official report following the recent controversy regarding their so-called “weather”...
72 views
Brendan Boyce
Feb 16, 20232 min read
U.S. Military Promises to Install M.O.A.B. Maulers On F-22 Jets
This week, tensions between the United States and China reached a boiling point as four Chinese spy balloons were blasted out of the sky...
21 views
Maxwell Maceluch
Dec 8, 20223 min read
Department of Health and Human Services Proposes New “Wall of Guns” Assisted Suicide Program
With the recent commercialization of Canada’s now loose Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) law, many below the glorious Great White North...
59 views
Helmcue Clamwax
Nov 1, 20222 min read
DR FAUCI CAUGHT BREWING UP NEW "DARK BRANDON" CUM STRAIN IN DEEP STATE LABORATORY! (FORMULA LEAKED)
A Mixture Most Foul... - By Me Just when you thought it was safe… After his latest session of trapping beagles’ heads in cages full of...
92 views
Maxwell Maceluch
Oct 25, 20222 min read
James Corden to Be Banned from All Public Establishments (and How to Collect His Bounty)
Following Balthazar’s decision to exile famous screamer James Corden from their restaurant on account of his inappropriate hexing of...
40 views
Phil Thornburg
May 11, 20222 min read
Legislators Argue Over Whether Or Not Roe V. Wade Applies to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch
Yesterday, chaos broke out at the 35th Annual Congressional Dog Pagent after Superintendent Chairman Richard Rider opened the floodgates...
43 views
Max Lieber
May 6, 20223 min read
Baby Runs Into Supreme Court, Interrupts Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health
Proceedings at the Supreme Court were interrupted yesterday after an unnamed, approximately five-hour-old baby boy entered the courtroom...
49 views
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